By Marcus Honesta.
On the eve of one of the greatest media events ever, whilst enjoying my morning tea I was struck by the thought; who will pay for the supreme leaders little tête-à-tête in Singapore?
It strikes me that among the many unresolved issues surrounding the on-again off-again little sit down between Kim Jong-Un and Donald J. Trump the vexing question of just who will pay for rocket man’s bar bill and associated out of pockets expenses when they attempt to move the 38th parallel a little closer to the equator.
According to Washington, young Mr Kim’s country is “a prideful but cash poor pariah state” and no doubt will requires a few bob dropped into the tin to meet the supreme leader’s little stay away. And given his proclivities for some of the more colourful activities, no doubt the bill won’t come cheap.
So ever wanting to contribute to international media events, we at CTL thought we might assist by helping draft a COMMUNIQUÉ OF UNDERSTANDING- RIDER to set the mood for their Singapore fling.
Requirements for the hotel for the supreme leader Kim Jong-UN
- The hotel must enjoy a 15 star luxury rating or above
- It must not be booked through one of those dodgy US hotel websites. (Any points accrued must be immediately transferred to the supreme leader’s personal and private account)
- An advanced party shall be sent to attend to make certain all hotel personnel are suitably briefed in appropriate North Korean grovelling. Any staff member who fails to reach the expectations required shall be courteously removed and attend an informative but intense indoctrination program in Korean politeness.
- The hotel must not be vulnerable to any sea approach as the supreme leader is well aware through various US propaganda film material of the fondness of Navy Seal teams to take matters into their own hands, thereby creating an uncomfortable international situation for him and his entourage.
- The suite for the supreme leader Mr. Kim must be rated Presidential, Royal, Imperial or higher. Commissarial, Duchal and or Viceral suits are specifically deemed unacceptable.
- The suite must be the same size or larger then the suite of the USA president, Donald J Trump, calculated on the basis of total square footage, not proportional to the height or volume of the respected leaders.
- Unless otherwise instructed, no hotel staff shall gaze upon supreme leader (thereby minimising an instance of magnificent self induced combustion due to the aura that the supreme leader continuously exudes)
CERTAIN SPECIAL REQUIREMENTS
As a pre-requisite Mr Kim, requires ten Russian nieces to be made available to entertain the Supreme Leader, and assist in matters of translation and cultural exchange that could confuse him.
For the supreme leader suit, Mr Kim’s will require a 180 inch LED Ultra 8K television, with DVDs of all seasons of the “Game of Thrones”, but only the versions where King Joffrey doesn’t get poisoned will be made available to his magnificence, for his viewing pleasure.
Failure to do so, or any attempt to humiliate, deride, or patronise the supreme leader Mr Kim, “will meet with an immediate retaliatory action, and attendance at the imperative photo shoot that is traditional at these major world events are will be withheld”.
Special take note; that Mr Elton John who was scheduled as after-dinner entertainment with his ballad “Rocket man” to be featured as a tribute to Mr Kim, has been deemed inappropriate and should our delegation see an aged rocker in a poorly fitting wig, lurking in a corridor all bets are off, and we’re back to the 38th parallel forthwith.
Any person or persons associated or related to a Stormy Daniels, Sultry Daniels, Misty Daniels, or Sloppy Daniels, are not to be permitted to enter into the independent nation of Singapore during the presidential visit. Should they happen to arrive, they should be taken into custody forthwith and conveyed with all haste and secrecy to Air Force One, where they will assist certain helpful patriots with their further enquiries.
We think having set certain ground rules for the event, the boys can get down to the squad and grubby business of whether or not the entire Korean peninsula is to be relocated into space dust, just north of Van Allen Radiation Belt, thereby making Dandong and Ji’an new beachfront real estate.
THAT IS ALL.