Cannes 2018: Behind the velvet curtain – Part 1

By - CTL
June 19, 2018

By undercover reporter, Jay J. Low.  

With Cannes Lions Festival of Creativity already underway, we sent intrepid reporter Jay J. Low to the French coast to completely ignore the event itself and just skulk around parties with his notebook and hidden camera, capturing WHAT REALLY happens behind the velvet curtain of Cannes.

With Cannes Lion 2018 underway, locals notice an increase in poets, writers, authors, painters, stand-ups, musicians and filmmakers around town.

Jez Boatha, from Adelaide direct digital marketing, cinema advertising and ginger beer brewery SHOOGA was overheard from a stall of a bar restroom, whispering: ‘Sure, the Tesla I drive suggests I’ve had a good few years in advertising, but I’m a fuckin’ poet man…punk rock poet!  I’ve got a TV script as well, cause film is dead…I’m gonna get that shit made’.

Johan Greenberg, on the way back from an industry music event, was so jazzed by the show that he grabbed the guitar off a busker and broke into a version of Wonderwall before ending his impromptu street performance with Khe San for all the Aussies. Back at the hotel he later went on to comment that 2018 was the year he was going to put out his own music on his own label. ‘I’ll start with a single…and see how it goes’.

We find in advertising, that most of them have a side gig that they hope to become their main gig, when their creative ideas for selling various things dry up like a dolphin stranded on the beach in the hot summer sun. Speaking of drying up…

After some days in the trenches, we hear that sales of Viagra peak in Cannes as a Coke Dick epidemic takes hold. Johan Greenberg from Sydney sound company Bumble explained his technique was to crush a few blueys into his after lunch Expresso Martini, ensuring his late night investments ALWAYS returns a yield.

Up for 9 Awards, enigmatic wordsmith Black Hole, Blacky to his ad mates, from concept-based strategy consultancy Metro Ideas & Gin Distillery was spotted purchasing a fluffy green travel pillow at Sydney International Airport before departing to Cannes via Dubai.

He went on to say ‘I’m really excited to be catching up with a few mates I haven’t seen since AWARD Awards, oh and last night at The London in Paddo.”

A notable absence this year at every party on every beach at all times has been Executive Producer for Hustler Post Production, Rebecca Chevrolet, who reportedly missed her flight to Europe after being caught doing 173 kmph in her husband’s Lambo while intoxicated. “She’ll be here tomorrow,” said one exasperated assistant, “Do you know any reliable….” but by that point I had already walked away.

We managed to share a few durries with Cannes President Perry Cabbage, who took a break from the War Rooms of The Jurors to get stuck into a bag of goon that had been gifted by an eager Australian producer, in the hope of some favourable treatment in the judging room. “Faaackin sweet mate, it’s better than a faaaackin VB longneck at faaaackin twenty to 8 in the morning, cuuuuuuuunts.” He roared at us, before bowling his way through the crowd at a branded pool party, straight towards a group of young creatives and their gaggle of hopeful dreams.

Back in North Bondi (not Far North Bondi) Taylor Wesslesticks, ECD of unnamed agency owned by a larger group was heard saying ‘I call bullshit on this no award show policy…I really really really want to go to Cannes, look how much fun they’re having. I’m gonna start my own bloody agency…then I can go to Cannes every fuckin’ year.’

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.


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