Kyle and Jackie O Hit Rock Bottom!

By - CTL
March 21, 2018

By Marcus Honesta

Just when you thought that radio couldn’t get any worse, KIIS FM, determined to plumb the depths of poor taste even further, have invited the controversial former politician, Sam Dastyari, into their fold.

One might ask whom better to host his moronic, monotonous drivel then the infamous Kyle and Jackie O.

In an effort to rest failing ratings, the pair has reached out to ‘Slippery Sam’ to present a segment to be known as ‘Gutter Politics’. Dastyari has threatened to expose the secrets of federal parliament in a regular weekly radio slot alongside the rest of KIIS FM’s morning drivel.

The failed Labour senator was forced to step down from parliament in January in the wake of a Chinese campaign donations scandal that rocked the Federal Opposition.

He stated when he resigned: “Today, after much reflection, I’ve decided that the best service I can render to the federal parliamentary Labour Party is to not return to the Senate in 2018.

I’ve been guided by my Labour values, which tell me that I should leave if my ongoing presence detracts from the pursuit of Labour’s mission.

It is evident to me we are at that point, so I will spare the party any further distraction.”

Admitting that political talk can be “often dull and boring”, Dastyari has pledged to spill dirt on life in Canberra during his segment. The 34-year-old father-of-two, whose Senate seat was filled by former New South Wales premier Kristina Keneally, had a two-week trial run on the show before landing the weekly gig.

“Having had my own career burn out in spectacular fashion, I’m pretty well placed to talk about scandal and politics” Dastyari said.

“There is no doubt I’ve ruffled a few feathers in Canberra with the segment. The night before I last went on [The Kyle and Jackie O Show] my phone ran hot with members of Parliament making me promise I wouldn’t tell stories about particular deeds they had been up to.

I’m making no promises.”

A salacious tit-bit what of we’re in store for came when he revealed that Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull wrote love letters to his ex-girlfriend’s cat in an effort to win her back after a break-up.

Dastyari told Kyle and Jackie O the cat called ‘Nessie’ had belonged to a former long-term girlfriend of Turnbull’s who had broken up with him in 1978.

According to Sam, Turnbull, in a hand written love letter, asked the cat “Nessie” to tell the PM’s former beau he still loved her and wanted to win her back. He read from his phone:

“Dear Nessie,

Tell your miss that I love her very much, tell her that when I came to see her on Sunday and she wasn’t there I cuddled you up and it broke my heart that it wasn’t her. 

Tell her I know a lot of her current boyfriends will tell her not to see me, they will stroke her back and tell her to forget me.

But, Nessie, we know she never will and you tell her, my little cat, how much we were in love.

All my love, Malcolm.”

Dastyari claimed Turnbull’s relationship with the cat was popular among members of the opposition, who would often ‘meow’ at the PM in parliament. Now you thought they were busy running the country didn’t you?

Since his departure from the Senate, Mr Dastyari has begun consulting for a Labor-aligned lobby firm Essential; a job he will not leave even as he appears on Kyle & Jackie O’s show.

One thought on “Kyle and Jackie O Hit Rock Bottom!

  1. What rubbish, I for one will never listen to these idiots

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